Dyslexia and Behavior Problems: It Was Never the Attitude

If your son is getting defiant, joking his way out of schoolwork, or telling you everything is “stupid,” you may be wondering where this attitude came from. I wondered the same thing for years. We were getting told it’s a ‘boy thing’.

Here’s what I learned. In our house, the attitude was never the real problem. It was what the attitude was covering up.

First, a Little About Our House

I want to set the stage, because it matters. It’s my husband and me, our daughter, who’s the oldest, and four boys. You need thick skin to live in our house. There’s a lot of sarcasm and rough housing. There’s hunting, fishing, ATVs, and racing. It was never a quiet house where everyone sat around reading, and it still isn’t.

So when I tell you my youngest son was not an easy student, I mean it. He didn’t make it easy for any teacher, any tutor, or me, when I homeschooled him. I’m saying that up front because I’m not going to pretend he was an angel who just needed a little patience.

He was a tough, funny, stubborn kid in a loud house, and we had that to work around on top of the dyslexia. It was a lot.

If your house is loud and your kid is tough, you’re in good company.

What It Looks Like When Dyslexic Boys Act Out 

Dyslexia in older boys rarely shows up as a kid quietly saying, “Mom, I can’t read this.” It shows up as:

• Defiance, especially around reading, writing, and spelling
• Jokes and clowning to get out of the work
• The shrug and the “I don’t care”
• Calling the work stupid
• Not being able to sit still for more than a few minutes

For us, the more he was asked to sit and do the thing he struggled with, the more of this I got.

I wondered the same thing for years. Looking back, it makes sense. He’d been failing at the same tasks in front of everyone for years. Acting like he didn’t care hurt a lot less than trying and failing

 Our son would actually get up and go outside if we tried doing his homework. He just needed a break. He was frustrated. I knew that I just had to figure out a way to fix that.

The Day He Tried to Ask for Help

Here’s the story that changed how I think about all of this.

In 6th grade, our son did exactly what he’d been told to do. He tried to advocate for himself. Everybody tells these kids to speak up and ask for help, and he did.

It was music class. The teacher wrote everything on the board: the whole syllabus, plus what needed to be done every day. My son couldn’t read most of it. So he walked up to the teacher and asked what he needed to do that day.

The teacher said, “It’s on the board, like it is every day.”

That was it. My son was furious, and when I found out, so was I. The teacher already had a copy of his IEP. The school didn’t use the word dyslexia, but the IEP clearly said learning disability, so the teacher knew he struggled with reading. And he still answered the way he did. In my opinion, that was a teacher who didn’t want to be bothered.

Think about what that taught my son. He did the hard thing. He swallowed his pride, walked to the front of the room, and asked. And he got shut down. Why would he ever ask again?

That’s the part I want you to hear. When your son acts out instead of asking for help, it may be because he already tried asking, and it didn’t go well.

What We Did About It

After that, I asked a simple question: why does he need this class?

It turned out he didn’t need that class to be in that room. Because he had an IEP, we had options. I asked if he could take a class online for the credit instead, and the answer was yes.

So we dropped the class.

No fight, no meltdown, no more daily reminder that he couldn’t read the board. We just solved it.

I’m not saying drop every class that’s hard. I’m saying that sometimes the best advocating is asking what your options are. The rules are often more flexible than anyone tells you, especially with an IEP, and the worst answer you’ll get is no. Check with your school and your state, since what’s allowed can vary.

Our son would have sat through the class but he didn’t understand or care that getting a bad grade meant he would have to repeat the class in summer school. He wasn’t thinking that far ahead. That’s where I came in.

What Helped More Than Pushing

I stopped treating attitude as the problem. Once I understood it was frustration, I could respond to the frustration instead of fighting the defiance.

I let him have a break. A kid who’s about to blow up isn’t going to learn anything. Stepping away helped more than powering through.

I looked for the quiet fix, not the big fight. Dropping that class took one conversation. Fighting that teacher would have taken months and gotten us nowhere.

I made it safe to say “this isn’t working.” He’d said it dozens of times, and in the end, he was right every time. When I started listening instead of arguing, he started telling me more.

A Note About Teachers

I want to be fair. Some of his teachers were wonderful. They noticed, they adjusted, and they made school better for him. Others, like that music teacher, didn’t. If you run into one of those, it isn’t a reflection on your child or on you. Keep looking for the adults who will meet your kid where he is.

What I Want You to Know

Your son isn’t being difficult just to be difficult. Underneath the attitude, there’s probably a kid who’s tired, embarrassed, and has already tried asking for help at least once. He doesn’t need you to win the argument. He needs to know you’re on his side.

You’re not failing him. You’re learning to hear what he’s really saying, and that’s one of the hardest and most important things a parent can do.

I am a mom sharing our story with dyslexia. This is not professional educational advice. Every child and every family situation is different.